This will probably suck.....

i dont want to feel this crazy
i dont want to feel this guarded
Shattered in a million pieces
I'm so brokenhearted.
No where left to run
No where left to go
so i hope.

While I don't feel I have any real enemies, I do have a few people I've met in my life that I've parted ways with and wish I could have had one last conversation before we did.
Whenever I fight with anyone in my life, I perseverate on the entire interaction over and over and am eager to again talk with the person and resolve things. I'd like to think I've grown somewhat over the years. I now focus harder on examining my part in an argument; what did I say/do wrong? Where did I overlook the others feelings or point of view? Was I unreasonable? Did I react too quickly? Generally, I've come to find that both parties always have a hand in what went down.
What I can't understand, despite my maturity, is when other people can't have this same reflection. I can't understand people who just cut ties with you with no explanation. I can't understand people who continuously hurt me and walk away and don't seem to care at all about my feelings. I can't understand people who can say such hurtful things to me and not ever apologize for them.
I'd like to have one last conversation with a few of these peoples. Tell them how I feel and have them tell me how they feel. I think too often we assume how others feel and truth is maybe there's a reason things were left off the way they were, but I just want to know why. I can't stand not having an understanding and clear grasp on things.
There's a best friend who has slowly grown distant and never seems to want to discuss why. There's this boy who has hurt me so many times I've lost count and though he's admitted it, still continues to do it and i can't understand why. There's another boy who just can't seem to let me in and also is back and forth with his feelings but won't ever give me a clear picture of how he feels. There's this friend who I miss so dearly and though we recently were able to reconnect, still keeps his distance and I don't know why.
These people often cross my mind, I can't seem to let go no matter how much time passes. I just want answers and maybe I could move on, but until then I can only think of memories past and cry from my frustration.
Maybe it all comes down to vanity and maybe I just want to feel wanted. After all when someone ceases contact with you or just makes no effort to make a relationship better and allows it deteriorate it makes you feel like the relationship doesn't matter to them. This is what hurts the most, because the relationships I had with the people I mentioned previously, mattered a great deal to me.

Just thinking about how incredibly fortunate I am and how much I love my job.

Today I went in to speak with a resident who is in our facility for short-term rehab. This gentleman is a tough, cut to the chase kind of guy but earlier that day I got word that he broke down crying and left rehab abruptly. I went in to try and see what was going on, not expecting him to open up at all to me or even to want to talk. Well I went in and simply asked him how he was doing. He starting slowly talking about little things and then began to explain that tomorrow is his last day of radiation and he is scared to death of dying. He explained he has seen so many family and friends suffer with cancer and get chemo and he doesn't want to go through it. I sat and listened to him and told him I'd be just as scared. We continued talking about all of his fears and he said his daughter is getting married in two months and he wants to attend the wedding more than anything. We both agreed that this was his number one thing to be motivated and determined to be as well as he possibly can and to stay positive. We then went on to talk about his life and career and he told me elaborate stories about how he raced and took care of horses for years. At the end of our talk he said to me, "thank you for taking my mind off things and thank you for listening". It meant the world to me.

Another story...
Yesterday I got word that one of my all time favorite residents seemed upset and was yelling at his aide. The aide knew the gentleman well and asked what was up and he said, "I don't know what's with me, I'm depressed". The aide also told me that this particular gentleman tends to get sad around the anniversary of his wife's death. I went to see this resident and found him in the hall. I asked how he was doing and he reached out and hugged me, then began to cry. I asked him to come with me down to my office and he said, "No I just want to be alone, thank you though." I then asked if he'd like to call his daughter and talk with her and he said, "no I want them to call me".
I then went and called both his daughters and explained their dad was feeling a little depressed and it may be worth it to stop in and visit for a little while. They both agreed.
The following day I went into the resident's room and said hello. I then explained I talked to his daughters and they both told me they were coming to visit this weekend. The resident said "I didn't want you to call!! I wanted them to come on their own!" I explained that when I called I just asked how things were with his daughters and if they were planning any visits soon and they both had already made plans to come, before I even called (white lies are okay sometimes). My friend reached out and hugged me again. Then he asked "are you married?" I said no, he asked "are you going with someone?" I said yes. He then said "tell him that I said you're the one". I hugged him and said thank you. He then began to say that his wife passed away around this time and how much he misses her. Again I said I could only imagine and he's lucky to have two wonderful daughters who care a lot about him. I then scratched his back for him, his favorite thing in the world, and we parted.

So I've been working at the Nursing and Rehab Center for a little over 4 months now and I'm learning so much about people. It's funny at first I overlooked a lot of things and was very wrapped up in learning how to do things and what not, but lately things are turning around. I'm starting to get to know a lot of the residents and their families and I feel so lucky. To hear these peoples' stories is just incredible. I sat in today on an activity that the recreation department held and I just sat there thinking how miraculous some of these people are. It's such an amazing mix of people and its true, there are a lot of sad stories and the majority of the residents suffer from terrible things like Alzheimer's and/or Dementia. Some residents desperately wish to stay in their homes until their time is up, but simply can't afford to pay for aide services, many are on Medicaid...worked their entire lives and had to give up everything because they couldn't afford the healthcare they needed. It's very frustrating and can be upsetting but I also try and remind myself that dwelling on all of these things is not gonna help anybody.
Instead I sat in this activity this afternoon and just thought about each of the residents and how incredible they were. I sat by my favorite resident Helen, who can just break my heart at times because she gets severely depressed and constantly wishes herself dead. Helen has severe Alzheimer's Dementia, but yet everything she says makes sense, as crazy at that sounds. She can sit there and explain to me how she's not happy and she doesn't ever know what's going on and she just rather be dead and I really can empathize with her. Thankfully, during the activity she was in a great mood and kept cracking jokes to me. My favorite was when she was watching the woman next to her, who is also very confused, and asked me why she kept playing with a piece of celophane. I told her I didn't know and when we asked this woman she couldn't tell us and I told Helen to stop staring and she said "I'm just trying to figure out why she's so crazy". There was also a 98 yr. old man at the activity named Carmine. Carmine was tearing up a lot during the activity and at one point I heard him say under his breath, "the day is all over already". I said "no it's not! not yet Carmine!" and he laughed and said "oh ya heard me huh? ha". Carmine is just another wonder and favorite of mine, one who I often catch trying to cheer up all the other residents near him and is always saying to me "you see a picture of my wife? Beautiful woman, after she passed, I was never with another woman again, can't do better".
These people just give me such a sense of hope. Sometimes I feel like romance is dead and the world is so terrible and then I meet people like Carmine, people like the countless spouses of the very sick residents who come faithfully everyday to be with their loved ones, even though some of their loved ones don't recognize them anymore or can't even communicate with them.
I get to know the mother of a 55yr. old man who has cerebral palsy and wasn't suppose to live past 25, is confined to his hospital bed, but yet his mother takes the bus every single day to spend the day with him, just reading at his bedside.
It's truly heartwarming.
It's hard to capture in words, but Sunrise Manor is truly a place where peoples hearts and souls come pouring out, even in indirect ways at times and I just feel so lucky to be a part of these peoples' lives.

So tonight I'm going out to the city with all my best friends to celebrate all of the October birthdays. I am so excited. I went to sleep really early last night and woke up pretty early this morning. I am in such an emotional mood, don't know why. I keep thinking about how lucky I am and how many really good people I have in my life. I don't see all of my friends that often, but I'm so fortunate to have known a lot of these girls for so long and every time we are together it's back to how it was when we hung out all the time. Sometimes you sit and think about how people are so different and it's so amazing to me that I have been lucky to find friends that I truly admire, trust and respect so much. Each of my friends are so different and I can tell you different qualities that I admire in each of them. Blah blah, i'm rambling but, long story short, I'm lucky.
For awhile I was pretty caught up in a lot of bad habits and I feel like I'm finally starting to change and get my priorities in check. Feels really good, before I was constantly looking for the next quick fix for my happiness. It's hard to pass up things that I know will give me that excitement and fun for the night, but I know ultimately its just going to keep me down and not let me advance with my life in any way.
Now if I could only figure out a Halloween costume I'd be set. =)

I get these waves of feelings a lot lately. I start thinking about how wonderful life can be and how exciting. I start thinking about all these great things I want to do, could do. I get so overwhelmed and I feel like I can't catch my breath. It's so sick ha. Sometimes songs make me feel like this, funny and maybe lame but whatever. I was with my family the other night and i was anticipating a lot of awkwardness because of certain things in the past, but it turned out being so much fun. I just had so much love for them all in that moment. Every bit of anger or resentment I had for anyone disappeared and I just felt like that all didn't matter anymore. Life is so fucking short and far too incredible to waste on such petty garbage. Life is truly full of so many possibilities. I want to move out of the comfortable.

Funny thing is that when I don't feel like this, i have the complete opposite view of life.

Just got to keep reminding myself how lucky I am and to not forget it. Remember to take advantage of all my good fortunes.

Last night I had this intense nightmare, the first in awhile that I woke up from and couldn't go back to sleep because I felt like this person was in my room somehow

Today I'm meeting with a new counseling cliet so the dream I guess was based off of that sort of. It started out with me greeting this psychotic/witch looking woman, with the craziest eyes ever. Once I went to take her in my office she began to talk and talk saying things like "where have you been? We went shopping together. How come you cancelled last time, I'm really irritated with you" and i was like wtf, this is the first time I've ever met you, but she kept insisting we knew each other. I began to try and close the door to start the session, but wires were in the way and I couldn't. As i reached down to try and move them I realized I didn't want to be behind a closed door with this woman who was seemingly very irritated with me. So the dream ended with me going out to get another staff member to tell her she had to leave or something....and I was fearing she was going to come out and kill me. haha

seriously though, this chicks face was like etched in my mind and i couldn't get it out of my head and go back to sleep.

so, hmm. I need to write this practice paper but i'm putting off as much as possible, hence a journal entry when I haven't been on here for months. Obviously i've been thinking of a reason to do anything but this dumb paper, which really isn't that difficult.

Amy's wedding is approaching, i'm excited! Yet when it hits me that one of my friends is actually married my brain is going to probably flip upside down. A lot of this has to do with my own situation with boys i suppose, i feel like i'm so far behind my friends. I feel like i'm not spending my time with the people i should, yet i don't know where the people i should spend my time with are. Blat blat, thus i hang out with these boys that will never be "it" for me.
Then there's Mickey, who I love more than anything. Yet all our issues are right there on the table and neither of us can figure a way around them, I pray all the time we'll grow up and get over them, but I just don't know...it's been a long time.

I have all these things I want to do and the person I want to be, but I feel like life keeps getting in my way. School, work, interning and in my free time I just don't want to have to work hard and change my bad habits. Excuses, excuses...but really it's hard and i guess that's why most people lead the lives they do.
I just don't think many people are happy anymore. I'm so scared of just being another person who does the 9-5 bullshit and is miserable, but puts on this face like "life's great!" No. Life is just so depressing, everyone has all these innate securities and i just don't know how we can get over them and be the people we want to be. We get jobs we don't like, we find partners whom we settle for (after all no one is perfect, so he/she's good enough, right?) and we lead these lives consumed by so much garbage that we spend 90% of our time doing things we don't want to.

Sorry if i was unclear, I'm alluding to a lot of things, but not really saying them. Depressing, that's how things have been for me. I think i just need to not take things to heart so much, I'm always sitting there being like well they're an asshole but that's because xyz. Maybe I just need to cut off ties, it's just so hard for me and I don't know why.
Maybe i need to go to counseling haha

I love this song lately, i can relate to it in a sense and it's sort of what im afraid of..
Dowload it!
Rilo Kiley- Does He Love You

Get a real job
Keep the wind at your back and the sun on your face
All the immediate unknowns
Are better than knowing this tired and lonely fate
Does he love you?
Does he love you?
Will he hold your tiny face in his hands?

I guess it's spring, I didn't know
It's always seventy-five with no melting snow
A married man, he visits me
I receive his letters in the mail twice a week

And I think he loves me
And when he leaves her
He's coming out to California

I guess it all worked out
There's a ring on your finger and the baby's due out
You share a place by the park
And run a shop for antiques downtown

And he loves you
Yeah he loves you
And the two of you will soon become three
And he loves you
Even though you
Used to say you were flawed if you weren't free

Let's not forget ourselves good friend
You and I were almost dead
And you're better off for leaving
Yeah you're better off for leaving

Late at night
I get the phone
You're at the shop sobbing all alone
Your confession it's coming out
You only married him
You felt your time was running out

But now you love him
And your baby
At last you are complete
But he's distant and you found him
On the phone pleading, saying, 'baby I love you'
And I'll leave her and I'm coming out to California"

Let's not forget ourselves good friend
I am flawed if I'm not free
And your husband will never leave you
He will never leave you for me

i quit everything, im so sick of it all.

im constantly wishing everything to be good and it isn't working, fuck it.

i can't concentrate when i'm frozen, therefore each minute of my day spent at stony brook for my summer class crawls by with complete displeasure.

id like my stomach to stop hurting and i'd like to obtain a large amount of money with little or no work involved.
I think I'll go get something to eat and sit outside.

delicious!